Words About Gnome Chompski
by Titus N. Owl
Summary: If the kid wants to babysit a goddamn garden gnome, that's his business.  Nick's just along for the ride.  Seriously.  Note: Slash and strong language.


It was bad enough the kid wanted to stop and play the fucking shooting gallery game. And they /let him/. Nick could justify that a little bit, just a little bit, because at least being able to shoot things was an applicable skill right now. It's not like there weren't, you know, ZOMBIES to practice on, but at least it wasn't /skeeball/ or something. So letting the kid play the shooting gallery game was bad enough (and ok, yeah, Nick took a couple of pot-shots at it while it was running, but only when there WEREN'T zombies to practice on. And because if Ellis hadn't gotten enough points to "win" he would've been all disappointed, and then probably made them stick around even /longer/ so he could play it /again/), but there's a place where a line needs to be drawn. A nice, fat, firm, Do Not Cross This Goddamn Line, What's Wrong With You kind of line. And for Nick, that line is on /this/ side of /carrying a garden gnome around/.

So, seriously, a garden gnome. A fucking garden gnome, just because Ellis wanted it, and what Ellis wants Ellis gets. Nick almost had him convinced it was a stupid idea - almost, /almost/, it was perfectly logical and he only swore three times - but when Ellis finally agreed with him, it was with a quiet "Yeah, guess you're right, Nick" and downcast eyes and the slightest unconscious pout to his lower lip and Jesus Christ, Ellis, fine, but you're carrying the stupid thing. Hell bitch /tits/.

"Hey, guys, a little help here?"

Nick is fucking swarmed, beating zombie bastards back with a fire axe ("in case of fire break glass"; zombies trump fire, in fact they trump just about anything, so fuck you I'm grabbing what I can grab), and when he manages to get enough of them down and away to switch to his rifle and look for Ellis he sees the stupid kid trying to knock the infected down with /the gnome/.

"Jesus Christ, Ellis, just DROP THE FUCKING GNOME." He's picking some of them off for him in three-round bursts as he shouts, caught somewhere between anger and incredulity.

But then Ellis goes down, and Nick wades in, smacking with the butt of his gun and firing into the horde, clearing them out of the way until there's a moment's peace in which he can turn around and pick Ellis up and give him the most derisive look he has ever given anyone, and Nick is a man with a lot of practice at giving people derisive looks. "You stupid little shit," he mutters under his breath; and as Ellis is checking himself over for bites or broken bones Nick bends down and picks the gnome up his own goddamn self.

When they finally make it to the saferoom, Nick's still carrying that fucking gnome. He tosses it to the side as he comes in; Ellis jumps past him, flying leap to catch it and land on his back with it craded against his stomach. Coach bolts the door and gives Ellis a fistpound for that little performance - he would be impressed by that shit, even if it's just for /a garden gnome/. Seriously, does no one else realize how retarded this is? It's a /garden gnome/.

"You coulda broke it!" Ellis is all accusing eyes and the fucking lower lip thing, and Nick rolls his eyes.

"Ellis, it's a /garden gnome/. I cannot /believe/ this shit - " He turns away and just looks for a place to sit down. He's tired as hell and they can't stick around for too long, he's not going to waste any time. Stupid fucking gnome. Stupid fucking kid.

"Hey, Nick?"

He was almost asleep, dammit. "What."

"You ain't, like, /real/ mad about the gnome thing, are ya? 'Cause I mean, if you're real mad about the gnome thing, we don't gotta - "

Nick is suddenly and keenly aware that he is being manipulated. His wife used to do this same exact thing. It's going to be big eyes and lip-wibbling and he'll say no, it's fine, whatever you want sweetheart, that's fine just to make the big eyes and lip-wibbling stop, and then he's given /permission/ and he can't bitch about it anymore. That's exactly what's going on and he fucking knows it and it's not going to happen this time.

Only Ellis is still talking, and his eyes are no bigger and his lower lip no wibblier than usual: " - and Keith didn't wanna put the tire down, 'cause we mighta needed it later, and - "

Okay, wait, that was /no way/ that was a false positive on the "I am being fucked with" meter. The "I am being fucked with" meter is a finely-calibrated instrument. Nick has been relying on it for years, and made a career out of slipping past other people's, and there's no way it springs false positives.

" - did you know brake fluid burns? I mean ya'd kinda think it wouldn't, on account of how hot brakes get and usually it don't make a car catch fire, but hooo-eee, hahaha, that shit will /definitely/ go up - "

Then again, that'd probably be giving Ellis way too much credit.

" - 95% of his body - "

"Ellis."

"Yeah?"

"You can keep the gnome."

"/Really/? Aw, man, you're the /best/."

So the way the kid likes to express his appreciation is absolutely fine with Nick, and he's on his back on an unrolled sleeping bag with Ellis curled down between his legs and his fingers curling around the folds of the suit jacket he's using as a pillow, and this is basically why it's important to keep Ellis alive and happy - Rochelle doesn't give head - but then. He. /Stops/.

Nick can't help but make a tiny, disappointed, almost-whining sound in the back of his throat. "What? Don't just /stop/ like that - "

"Man, I /can't/." A stage whisper.

Nick props himself up on his elbows and looks down. "What?"

"Just hold on a second." Ellis starts to pull back and stand up; Nick reaches out, grabs him, tugs back down. "No, man, I'll be right back, I just gotta - "

"Jesus Christ, Ellis, what is it this time?"

"The gnome is like /watchin'/, man. You can't do this in front of a gnome. It ain't /right/."

Nick groans and falls back, hand sliding down to keep busy while the kid goes to get some privacy from /a fucking garden gnome/ -

And then a crash, and a strangled yelp from Ellis, and Nick's startled into sitting back up with a loud curse, and Coach is startled into banging on the wall between where they are and where he and Rochelle are:

"IT AIN'T NONE OF MY BUSINESS WHAT YOU TWO ARE DOIN' IN THERE, BUT /KEEP IT DAMN QUIET/! THERE'S FOLKS TRYIN' TO SLEEP IN HERE!"

Ellis is all apologies, and Nick is all annoyance. "Sorry, Coach, Ellis had to /turn his goddamn garden gnome around/."

"I said it ain't none of my business and I mean I don't wanna know!"

"I'm sorry, man, I really am, I done knocked over a lamp or somethin', I'm real sorry and we'll be real quiet," and Ellis is back kneeling in front of Nick, looking worriedly at the door, and Nick seriously cannot believe this shit.

But Ellis /is/ good at sucking cock, so what the fuck ever.

"I carried that fucking garden gnome for you, /and/ I listened to you sing."

"And then you shot the helicopter pilot!"

"Because he was a /zombie/. So that's another thing I've done for you. Carried the fucking garden gnome, listened to you sing, /and/ killed a zombie 'copter pilot."

"Man, you realize I'll go down on you anyways? You don't gotta prove you deserve it." 


End file.
